I try

to keep my blog pretty light and share high lights and on occasion the low lights of our life. Currently I'm feeling...well I can't explain what I'm feeling so I'm going to use this as a place to just jot down my thoughts and maybe get control of things.

Not that things are out of control, it's just we have so many changes and unknowns in our near future - 8 months or so that I'm in a constant state of anxiety, trepidation, unease, apprehension (I think all those words mean the same thing but that's the magnitude of that feeling) and excitement, enthusiasm, anticipation and annoyance, disappointment and anger for the betrayal that has happened to our family in the recent past. You mix all those feelings in my mind and heart and things start to get a little whirly.

We have nothing but positive exciting changes in our future but I'm a planner and as DH lovingly says I'm a "control freak"...I love all the prospects the future holds but hate not having control of when, how, where etc. How do you plan when you don't know what to plan? Not to mention DH is a frustrating pessimist. I love him dearly but sometime want to give him an optimist pill or something. His uncertain faith in the future mixed with my whirly heart and mind make me constantly frazzled.

Mix that with what is/was probably unnecessary stress I added because of the emotions I encountered when I learned of my parents robbery then finally learning their betrayal was from a family member has only added to my frazzledness. It's possible that I feel or get more involved in things than I need to but that is just how I am.

Some of you may think this just sounds like life and I'm over reacting or being to emotional or a drama queen or whatever label you want to put on it. But I assure you I'm not willing these feeling on me and would love to be able to shutdown my mind and head for a few days so I can just rest and recover however, the harder I try the worse I feel and less in control I feel. You may think I should not be such a planner but again that is just how I am not really something I can change. Being and feeling this way is who I am.

I thought with it being summer I would have so much other stuff to focus on and be active enough to keep me occupied. Apparently NOT! We've having a great summer and enjoying all kinds of fun activities but it's not enough to keep me numb from the aforementioned emotions.

DH isn't one to talk things out, I think that has as much to do with him being a man as it does from his history. I'm sure he's feeling the stresses of the next 8 months but I really wouldn't know it.

I don't feel like I'm having a bad run or unhappy it's just such a mix of emotions it's difficult to feel just one thing, content, happy, focused, anything...primarily I'm just feeling emotional and teary.

I'm not looking for sympathy I just need to get this off my chest. So sorry if none of this is clear or you don't understand - it's more for me anyway.