Days after birth

Thursday and Friday after Noah's birth were probably the hardest of my life this far, I wish I would have written about them sooner since the more time that passes the less real they seem. I'm not able to write about what or how the birth family was feeling - I can't even imagine. I'm sure their pain and fear was like no other.

I've been trying to think of something more people can relate it to, to understand the feeling. I guess it was like waiting for the results back on a test that determines whether or not you have a terminal disease or someone you love more than anything is waiting for the results to the same test. Everything is a blur, your head hurts, your chest hurts, your throat is tight, you don't feel like eating or doing anything period. You just the wait to be over. You know there is nothing you can do about the end result it's just the answer you want.

We got to spend time with the birth family and Noah which was amazing, real and raw like nothing else. Aside from those times we honestly didn't even want to be awake but couldn't sleep.

Emotions were high and on Friday the pain and fears of this process came to a head, out in the open and discussed by all of us including the SW. It was so hard to hear our fears verbalized but it needed to be done. A plan was made for hospital release on Saturday.

I regret it now but we didn't take any pictures on Thursday and Friday. I don't think it was a conscience choice I just think we didn't want pictures of those days because it was so hard and in fear that it would forever be remembered on film.